Summer days just sitting around, but when the sun goes down...

Hm...Summer is streaming along fine, and in a few days, i'll be starting summer school. over these last two empty weeks, i have been lounging around, going out occasionally with friends, seeing some friends off *sob*. furthermore i'm supposed to move to my new place tmrw, and yet half my stuff is still lying around my room...

yet i feel like writing something...more like i wanted to chronicle a story i read. From Neli Humphreys' "Scribbles from the Same Island"...

"Now, this may sound cold and heartless, but when you live aboard, a certain detachment inevitably results...the sense of loss can never be the same because they are names spoken over the telephone" ("The Family", pg 195).

He's talking about relatives who have passed away, and he has lived in Singapore for over 7 years. Yet I, who have lived 3 years here in San Diego, feel the same, whether it is for relatives or close friends. I'm not justifying my poor filial behavior to my family, nor my poor loyalty to my friends, poor it is a sad fact that rung a bell with me.

I have seen many people come and go within this 3 years...graduations, exchange programs...all constitute a part of my life here, and if i could help it, i would like to keep every single memory, whether good or bad. I do admit that i've done quite a few bad things in my time, and even though i might not have reformed totally, i'm more aware of my actions now...or at least, i hope so.

But being here, and then leaving in about a year for home, makes me think that i have not done the best, nor done the most of what i wanted. there are still places to go, people to meet, things to see, activities to do...

this final year (from this summer) will be my last, and hopefully most fulfilling year. i make myself that promise. hope some of you will help me materialise that promise too, whether it is people i know, or people i have yet to meet...

Graduation Thoughts...

So this past weekend was graduation day(s) for UCSD...individual colleges had their own commencement ceremonies to "honor" the students who have slogged through 3 (or 4 or more) years of UCSD...

I was able to go to 2 graduations: Sixth College and Warren College. Sorry Jason, I missed your ERC graduation, but I was able to congratulate you over lunch, so I feel better about that. But yeah, Tat graduated from Sixth and Hui Min from Warren. These were two friends who I've known since freshman year (we came in together), and although we've had a lot of differences, I'm glad everything worked out in a way, and I was happy to see them graduate and move on.

Watching the graduations seemed to spring a lot of thoughts in me...the fact that these two came with me, and yet I did not graduate with them, makes me sad...What am I doing here?...will that extra year mean anything?? everyone I know when I came here has graduated or are graduating (graduates)...even though there are new people here over the last 2 years, the bond is different. The environment has changed, and I feel like one of the old dinosuars...not fitting in the new age...but old dogs can learn new tricks right? But only if the people around him allow him to...

But the graduation has got me thinking about my own graduation next year. Who will see me walk? Who willl bother that I graduate? Will they be happy i'm out of their hair? Or will they not even bother about me gone at all? I guess I realise now that I have not left a mark here. Nothing that will indicate I was here. I know in a way that's wanting for "name", but I realise fame isn't something I'm cut out for. Will my name be part of the honors list?

At this point, my grades aren't enough to indicate me in the upper echelons...I'm an average student, in the swarm of students...even though I'm Singaporean..yet I do not have that famed "power" that Singaporeans wield over others academically...does this mean I'm a failure? or have I failed myself? I think I have...But I have one more year...maybe I can still show I'm good enough to stand up and be considered as somebody....

Which brings me to SMSC...the bane and blessed existence of my life in UCSD...I don't really want to talk about it now, but I believe next school year will be the last chance...to make or break it...if I do not do something to establish it, there will not be a chance till the next "Lyon" or "Desmond" comes along...

Yeah...I don't want to leave on a gloomy note, so let me tell you about Mr and Mrs Smith, starring Brad Pitt and the fabulous Angelina Jolie. The first real movie I've watched in the year, and I felt it was good. Fun, and good chemistry too. The fact that she acted is even better. Go watch it...and watch out for Batman Begins too!!