Conundrum: Birthday resolutions pt 1

I'm kinda bored right now...which gives me good reason to churn out something literary, even though i'm supposed to be doing homework and studying...and getting good enough grades, and...

you get the picture...seems like my life now is mostly driven by the never-ending need to study, mostly for the sake of EDB, and very rarely, myself. Never mind that i took this scholarship to provide for myself the opportunity to leave Singapore, and escape the stress inherent in a SG lifestyle. Coming here, besides the tingling worry at the back of my heard every time exams are due, i never actually felt the pressure of having to answer to anyone except myself...until recently...

you see, EDB sent my parents, my guarantors (which happen to be my cousins) and myself, a letter asking for an explanation as to my "consistently falling grades". I admit, i haven't been the best of students, but this was a slap in the face. Classes have not gotten easier, and i have not gotten better, which explains the resultant decrease. No more am i the star pupil, who could ace exams with just hard work and determination. Here it seems, i lack both, to very devastating results.

i've tried to pick myself from the ashes, and start afresh, but this also means sacrificing whatever leisure i do have right now (which isn't much). and yet, i can't bear to let go. I'm always hoping the new day brings back the old me. And that does not happen. Do i really need another slap in the face? or do i need a guiding hand?

with such contemplation, i look back on my years here in San Diego. i can't really say that life was fantastic, but i'm sure it would have been a lot better had i made the right choices. Lifestyle, activities, relationships, friendships, study, work...there are at least many decisions i would have wanted to re-make.

lifestyle: away from the stress of SG, it was so much easier to relax here. the laid-back attitude permeated my studying, which explains why i'm flailing so badly...i got into anime, comics, console games, movies...rather than reading, piano, sports....no "food for the soul" as they say...
but i think i'm trying to fix that...it's still comics, anime and the occasional video-game, but together with that is more physical training (gym, swimming) and hopefully, to get a good book in...but somehow, i need more than 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to be able to do all that on a regular basis...not counting the perpetual school work i have...

A New Beginning? or more of the Old?

hm...i initially signed up for this blog cause i wanted to comment on my bud's site, but i decided not to comment, but i'm stuck with this blog...

this site's sister is Xanga @ http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DesmondLi ...

i'm still unsure what this will be about, but i'm sure i'll think of something as time goes by...i just don't want it to be a twin to his sister...there's too much pain and melancholy in that child to pass on, and i want to avoid that...

she will only show a small link to this site, so to ensure only the most adamant of readers will ever see this...which i do hope are my good friends...or those who think they are...

so here's my first declaration...my heart is empty again...

i've kinda gotten over the fact that there is no possibility of me and her getting together; she treats me as a friend (albeit a screwed up one) and i should do the same...there should be no reason for me to ever feel jealous about the guys who hang around her too...i believe they are better friends who do take care of her...and i should just strive to be a friend, per se.

but i believe i will always spare a special thought for her...until she chases me away..haha...

so now my mind is on school...and my fight to stay in school...i'll pick up on the details when i next drop by...