Back for... Good?

So its been a while.
1.25 years since I returned from the States.
1.25 years since I looked at this blog, and the same amount of time since I wrote anything.

Many reasons why I'm back.
1) Unsure what I'm doing with my life; probably a good opportunity to focus through writing.
2) Keeping people I don't contact in the loop on what's happening to me, in case they were interested.
3) Having somewhere to capture random thoughts.

So, after framing this...here goes.

Linkin Park was awesome. My first concert with them, and I already want more. The short set (90 min) was inadequate, but within that 90 min, it was heaven. Not literally of course. I sang myself hoarse...Will keep tabs on their tour dates, next
time they're in town, will definitely get mosh pit tix instead.

That brings my concert tally to: Kanye West, Keane, Mayday, Gwen Stefani, A-Mei, Linkin Park. Now I just need Maroon 5 and Jay Chou to round off my current music interests. Of course, a repeat of any would be nice too...

I suck at presentations. Partly because I don't prepare, but also I just plain suck. I talk to first, with minimal coherence, and don't work with the audience in mind.
How much worse can I get?

What do I do with my time? Salsa, KTV, Beach Volleyball, Computer Games and most importantly, Weiqi. Tops the cake. Work comes a poor non-contender in this, since it officially takes up 30% of my time. But that 30% totally drains me...How?

Hm...would like to give a shout-out to all my friends; to those I promised to meet up with but don't, to those I neve understood more about, to those who don't even remember who Desmond Li was...Hello!!!!

Memoirs of a....Ronin

So its been a week since graduation, 9 days since the last day of school (ie. finals).

Writing from Chicago...family's all asleep, and i'm staying up so that i can watch Robot Chicken at 2.30am...which is like 11.30pm in SD...

Been in a whirlwind of activity during the last few weeks of school...been closing many of my unfinished business, and balancing school and friends at the same time.

Completed a Book Drive with Golden Key. Proud of myself for pulling it off with the help from my GK buddies. Decided to finish the run the weekend before finals after shuffling my feet for the whole school quarter, thanks to some down-to-earth advice from Diana H. Thank you! So basically, throughout the whole finals week (read: exams), i was spending my free time tabling and publicising out on Library Walk, talking to administrators, collecting and packing boxes of books. So at the end of the week, i finished three hard finals and one report, while collecting 21 boxes of books. The book drive was more successful than i thought. The books (or the money from books) will be sent to help educational institutions in Africa. Now, isn't that a good cause worth sacrificing exams for???

That being said, i did get back all my grades now. Last quarter in UCSD, and i finally made the mark; i got the 3.7 GPA that i have been working so hard for the last year to regain. Mind you, this wasn't an easy quarter, but i did it. Climbed up from the horrible depths to secure some semblance of respect for myself. This quarter was the most exhilarating, yet also the most frustrating of all the times i have been in UCSD. Took a totally foreign class in computer chemical modelling, and almost screwed that up royally. But some preseverance and BS-ing on my part got my through...I had perpetual cold sweats every night worrying about the simulations that did not work....

So graduation was wonderful, although pangs of jealousy of not being a top student did quell me down some. Was happy to see my fellow friends graduate with me, after the many years we have worked hard to get to this point. Congratulations to all!!!
Then it was worth on Amazing Race: Midwest. 7-day whirlwind tour of Illinois, Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin. Not exactly smooth sailing, but i hope my family had fun here. Then its back to San Diego for a final swansong before i say my goodbyes to America's Finest City (and i agree whole-heartedly!!!!).

But enough of that. I guess, this end to my UCSD chapter (until my MBA) was highlighted by the friendships i have made, messed up, re-secured and strengthed. I know it is unfair to name names, considering that i will forget a few and not list everyone down, but here i will attempt to do so, in no particular order:

Chew Kai Khen, Koh Fong Ming, Lawrence Ma, Wan Yue, Lin Xinyi, Xu Sangyu, Xue Shifeng, Tanya Ee, Adrian Lim, Chan Kok Lim, Kelvin Kee, Eric Wong, Lim Chin Yan, Jason Kwok, Wong Eetsin, Andrea Pillai-Dinneny, Lyon Liew, Tan Hui Min, Allen Ding, Joy Pang, Koh Tat Yang, James Chua, Dian Putrasahan, Edward Liaw, Grace Kang, Reeti Desai, Sue Ann Lee, Jonathan Lam, Cory Soeseno, Logan Goh...

Zhang Weiqi, Aida, Li Li, Ang Xinying, Stephanie Yeong, Lim Xinyi, Loh Jingyi, Carine Ng, Valerie Wan, Tan Keng Cheong, Liu Siliang, Liu Shanshan, Alanna Yeo, Dennis Ye, Jeryl Teoh, Adeline Yong, Mabel Lui, Cheung Lok Sze, Cynthia...

Sam Soloman, Karen Au, Lei Ju, Nancy Kwan, Sisiley Bao, Binh, Jennifer Chang, Diana Hung, Diana Combs, Charlie Chandsawangbhuwana, George Lin, Jacqueline Robichaud, Shelly Barnes, Kathy Pan, Chris Wright, Kevin Hsu, Chirag Vora, Diana Nguyen, James Hu, Angelina Altshuler, Jessica Hunt, Emily Ertola, Jessica Moore, Samuel Pitak, Andrew Lai (RIP), Raj Moudgil, Phi Le, Jun Ma, Tim Husson, Zack Cloyd, Daniel Luu, Nidta Viyakornvilas, Roas Liu, Vincent Lam, Jenny Hu, Nickey Lee, Pam Pranaiya Oulapathorn...

And this is by no means complete; its just some of the wonderful people i have met and become friends with in UCSD. and no, i didn't just get this off Facebook or Friendster or MSN. I'm not that cheap. these are the people who have affected me tremendously in my 4 years in UCSD and San Diego.

But if you happen to not find your name here, its not that i forgot you...its just that i do not find it fair to put your name there and consider you a friend, when i did not spend the time and effort to truly be a friend...

For those who do not know, this wandering will end soon. I start my new job in mid-July, and will be in Singapore for the next few years. i do wish to keep in contact with all of you, but if all else fails, you have my email (desmond.li.yan.hui@gmail.com) and my contact (+6593854806)...

So that's the sad part. 4 years. All over in the blink of an eye. Is it time for the prodigal son to return, or is it time for the wanderer to lay his hat?

Thoughts...

Am i too 乖 to be a party animal, and too crazy to be a scholar? Why do i straddle the line, not belonging to either?

i wish that i could have some mastery over the beautiful game. is it a failing to love sport, but not be even barely proficient in it?

Birthdays and Relationships

so on my birthday, or rather the day before my birthday, my blog appeared with an entry that shouldn't have been there. disappeared in about 24 hours, but not before the damage was done.

it wasn't a ghost in the shell, or a hacker who decided that the entry was too depressing to appear on the internet. rather, WQ and I decided to remove it, to prevent further damage to our relationship.

but all this happened within 36 hours of my birthday (considering both singapore and san diego). the can of worms i had opened up with that blog entry opened the skeleton closet once again, and damage control is nearly futile, i'm afraid. Seems to me that my quarter-life crisis came just on time.

when the one you are with, says that maybe it is time for a break...what does it mean? does it mean it's over? or does it mean that she is dissatisfied with our relationship, and cracks have begun to show?

in navigating a relationship where there are only so few paths that a person can go through, avoiding the wrong words and actions, or even having the lack thereof of such, it is a journey that i am ill-equiped for, and i have no experience nor people to show me the way. what can i do?

so another skeleton was found, and WQ has shaken it off, and shown it to everyone. take a look at her blogspot if you want. my past relationships are now being held against me, like a record of my performance, or a history of violence that is revealed to convict a criminal. the record brought in as evidence is my xanga.

what can i say? i do injustice by comparing relationships, because each one was different. all had their extenuating circumstances, and all had their highs and lows. i can never compare these to each other, and i hope no one ever will.

Evangeline, Chu Hui, Karen, Aida. 4 ladies who have and do share their life with me, people who i have let into my life, for better or for worse. I have ill-treated all of you during our time together...my fumbling actions and awkward words a pale reflection of the person i was. to be caught up in the romantic euphoria is both blessing and curse...blinding because i ignore the realities and gravity of the relationship, blessing because I was able to be part of their life, no matter the gloom that i bring.

but in these relationships, i was the romantic fool. blind as i was, i was caught up in such imagery that i thought was real. and i was wrong. i do not think that their time with me was deserved, and really it wasn't. that's why i thought to do right by Weiqi this time.

do i need to use the same words to impress on you how much i like her? the years out in the rain, have hardened my heart to such words that i have now considered imaginary. i have fewer mis-conceptions of how things should be, and the first few to go were the expressions of love and eternity. No more romantic am i.

and maybe that is why Weiqi feels the way she feels when she read my xanga. i am not shirking the sins i have committed, if i am to atone for what i have said, let it be those 4 ladies to throw the whip. but to Weiqi, please do not think that my mere lack of words and actions of that faculty, show a more weakened relationship than in my past. it is unfortunate that i am now grounded in reality; love is a fool's errand, and i will not play the fool anymore. it has done me enough damage.

you are the light in my life. do my words and actions hide my true intent with you? i did vow not to "fall in love" again, and so i won't. but i have decided that it is you i want to spend my life with. if that isn't enough, then i don't know what else to say.

Aftermath

So i feel stupid now. Rant done, anger vented, and i feel like an idiot for saying all that. Had no reason to actually say all that stuff, especially when i pointed the finger at myself and the friends. Well, i'm fine with pointing at myself, but had no rhyme or reason to target the friends who have done nothing wrong. if anything, it was because i don't say anything. not their fault.

New motto: "the innocents will not be harmed"

So i'll avoid being unreasonable about my comments. Life isn't as bad as i always make it look...but i realise i have to find a better and politically correct way of venting my anger at what is going on in my life.

honestly, my life has been better with the presence of WQ in my life. i feel less troubled, partly since i have someone i can let go with. so everyone is saved from the devastation that is desmond.

that being said, i apologise to all my friends, both near and far, close and acquainted. i do not express fairly to warrant me shooting my mouth by saying people don't care. i was frustrated that on such a day, it is not so special.

maybe i should be less hypocritical...if i don't like such a day, then i should not wish for that day to be the same for me, as it does with other people.

talking to adeline was refreshing. always good to bounce my thoughts off others, so i can better grasp the situation again. must think about doing that more often.

so i'm back to normal now. now funny-business desmond for a while....if anything, a silent acknowledgement would be nice...

peace

Valentine's? Friendship? what does it mean?

Never like a designated day to emphasize certain aspects of life. Today's Valentine's Day, or Friendship Day, take your pick. Chances are, many couples will take the opportunity to express their love for one another. You have the whole array of stuff, flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, romantic _____ (fill it in with activity of choice). Hard to say whether these things are also done outside of Valentine's Day. I would presume so, since relationships don't only wait once a year to celebrate love....there's the Birthdays, Anniversaries, and whatever special day you can think of. Of course, you can be a skeptic and just say that we should celebrate love every day of the year. Why wait for a commercial holiday like this? I'm not saying Valentine's Day is totally commercial. There are people (and I am not one of them), who believe in the true meaning of Valentine's...A brief search in Google had St. Valentine as a priest who conducted marriages for soldiers against imperial decree. He got jailed and killed for that. "From your Valentine" might have come from him sending his love to a love he had at that time too. That was about it. Some pope decreed it February 14th. And the commercial enterprises have had perpetual field days from that time onward.

Now for friendship day. Friendship day is August 7th. Why anyone would consider today friendship day is beyond me. Technically speaking, Friendship Month is February. So somebody thought it cool that "if you don't celebrate Valentine's, then why not Friendship? it's the whole month anyway. Nobody would know if it's not the right day AND month". Now can all of you stop that whole Friendship Day thing? It's the WHOLE MONTH of FEBRUARY!!!!!! Me thinks some poor sod wanted to console him/herself, and spread the word that February 14th is Friendship Day too. Or the corporates did it. So people can go around feeling good themselves.

I sound disgruntled, don't I? For one, I am not supposed to complain, since I have a girlfriend. I love her, and i hope she loves me. Did I get her anything for V-day? Nope. I did get her flowers the weekend before though. Hope she's happy with them. So why do i sound like i hate this day?

To tell the truth, I don't. 3 years isn't long, but it was enough to make me dis-illusioned to such things like relationships, friendships and all that jazz. How many friends do i have? not many i would think. Most of them won't give a rat's ass about me (or some other animal's behind), but then, that's not what i'm worried about. Maybe i sound like i'm seeking attention. Not sure if i really am though....

Ok, so i feel pissed the whole day. Partly because i realise its a day when people show how popular they are. Girls get flowers and gifts from friends, lovers, strangers....Guys get other guy friends to go chill out, have a good meal, watch some tellie with. What do i get? I get ignored.

Nothing. I'm alone on this side of the world, and nobody gives a shit. Maybe it is true that to have friends, you have to make them yourself. Guess i realise i'm not one whom people will approach wholeheartedly, and not under threat of death and all that.

So i feel stupid, angry and totally irritated. With myself, and all those i thought were my friends. Maybe i should have believed in this Friendship crap, and given flowers out to girls and be busking in the thought of them appreciating my gifts.

NOT!

have to admit an ugly bugger like me is probably very least appreciated in their circle of friends. i should be contented that they don't outright hate me huh. that should be the level of friendship i hope to keep.

Amen.

Happy Lunar New Year - trivial stuff...

So yeah, Dog Horoscope year, lunar 4704 (i think)...

be sure to be more politically correct this year....its Lunar New Year, instead of Chinese New Year....only fair to the vietnamese, burmese, korean, japanese and i'm not sure else who follow the same calendar....

back to school....