Birthdays and Relationships
so on my birthday, or rather the day before my birthday, my blog appeared with an entry that shouldn't have been there. disappeared in about 24 hours, but not before the damage was done.
it wasn't a ghost in the shell, or a hacker who decided that the entry was too depressing to appear on the internet. rather, WQ and I decided to remove it, to prevent further damage to our relationship.
but all this happened within 36 hours of my birthday (considering both singapore and san diego). the can of worms i had opened up with that blog entry opened the skeleton closet once again, and damage control is nearly futile, i'm afraid. Seems to me that my quarter-life crisis came just on time.
when the one you are with, says that maybe it is time for a break...what does it mean? does it mean it's over? or does it mean that she is dissatisfied with our relationship, and cracks have begun to show?
in navigating a relationship where there are only so few paths that a person can go through, avoiding the wrong words and actions, or even having the lack thereof of such, it is a journey that i am ill-equiped for, and i have no experience nor people to show me the way. what can i do?
so another skeleton was found, and WQ has shaken it off, and shown it to everyone. take a look at her blogspot if you want. my past relationships are now being held against me, like a record of my performance, or a history of violence that is revealed to convict a criminal. the record brought in as evidence is my xanga.
what can i say? i do injustice by comparing relationships, because each one was different. all had their extenuating circumstances, and all had their highs and lows. i can never compare these to each other, and i hope no one ever will.
Evangeline, Chu Hui, Karen, Aida. 4 ladies who have and do share their life with me, people who i have let into my life, for better or for worse. I have ill-treated all of you during our time together...my fumbling actions and awkward words a pale reflection of the person i was. to be caught up in the romantic euphoria is both blessing and curse...blinding because i ignore the realities and gravity of the relationship, blessing because I was able to be part of their life, no matter the gloom that i bring.
but in these relationships, i was the romantic fool. blind as i was, i was caught up in such imagery that i thought was real. and i was wrong. i do not think that their time with me was deserved, and really it wasn't. that's why i thought to do right by Weiqi this time.
do i need to use the same words to impress on you how much i like her? the years out in the rain, have hardened my heart to such words that i have now considered imaginary. i have fewer mis-conceptions of how things should be, and the first few to go were the expressions of love and eternity. No more romantic am i.
and maybe that is why Weiqi feels the way she feels when she read my xanga. i am not shirking the sins i have committed, if i am to atone for what i have said, let it be those 4 ladies to throw the whip. but to Weiqi, please do not think that my mere lack of words and actions of that faculty, show a more weakened relationship than in my past. it is unfortunate that i am now grounded in reality; love is a fool's errand, and i will not play the fool anymore. it has done me enough damage.
you are the light in my life. do my words and actions hide my true intent with you? i did vow not to "fall in love" again, and so i won't. but i have decided that it is you i want to spend my life with. if that isn't enough, then i don't know what else to say.
it wasn't a ghost in the shell, or a hacker who decided that the entry was too depressing to appear on the internet. rather, WQ and I decided to remove it, to prevent further damage to our relationship.
but all this happened within 36 hours of my birthday (considering both singapore and san diego). the can of worms i had opened up with that blog entry opened the skeleton closet once again, and damage control is nearly futile, i'm afraid. Seems to me that my quarter-life crisis came just on time.
when the one you are with, says that maybe it is time for a break...what does it mean? does it mean it's over? or does it mean that she is dissatisfied with our relationship, and cracks have begun to show?
in navigating a relationship where there are only so few paths that a person can go through, avoiding the wrong words and actions, or even having the lack thereof of such, it is a journey that i am ill-equiped for, and i have no experience nor people to show me the way. what can i do?
so another skeleton was found, and WQ has shaken it off, and shown it to everyone. take a look at her blogspot if you want. my past relationships are now being held against me, like a record of my performance, or a history of violence that is revealed to convict a criminal. the record brought in as evidence is my xanga.
what can i say? i do injustice by comparing relationships, because each one was different. all had their extenuating circumstances, and all had their highs and lows. i can never compare these to each other, and i hope no one ever will.
Evangeline, Chu Hui, Karen, Aida. 4 ladies who have and do share their life with me, people who i have let into my life, for better or for worse. I have ill-treated all of you during our time together...my fumbling actions and awkward words a pale reflection of the person i was. to be caught up in the romantic euphoria is both blessing and curse...blinding because i ignore the realities and gravity of the relationship, blessing because I was able to be part of their life, no matter the gloom that i bring.
but in these relationships, i was the romantic fool. blind as i was, i was caught up in such imagery that i thought was real. and i was wrong. i do not think that their time with me was deserved, and really it wasn't. that's why i thought to do right by Weiqi this time.
do i need to use the same words to impress on you how much i like her? the years out in the rain, have hardened my heart to such words that i have now considered imaginary. i have fewer mis-conceptions of how things should be, and the first few to go were the expressions of love and eternity. No more romantic am i.
and maybe that is why Weiqi feels the way she feels when she read my xanga. i am not shirking the sins i have committed, if i am to atone for what i have said, let it be those 4 ladies to throw the whip. but to Weiqi, please do not think that my mere lack of words and actions of that faculty, show a more weakened relationship than in my past. it is unfortunate that i am now grounded in reality; love is a fool's errand, and i will not play the fool anymore. it has done me enough damage.
you are the light in my life. do my words and actions hide my true intent with you? i did vow not to "fall in love" again, and so i won't. but i have decided that it is you i want to spend my life with. if that isn't enough, then i don't know what else to say.
imagined by Desmond at
13:24
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1 death threats
