Does anyone actually understand me?

It's been a long time. Very long time in fact. The last time i blogged was in MSN MySpace. I do have to find some way of tying all of this (Blogspot, Xanga, MySpace) together. *to the empty audience* Anyone have any ideas about doing that?

So I've been dealing with school...and life...never a comfortable balance..but i'm getting somewhere. I've been interested in someone...she's beautiful...and I do want to do this right for once...

it's sad to have such apprehension in a relationship. Considering that she'll be leaving after exchange, and the subsequent 1.5 years before i can see her again...alarm bells are ringing, but i think i can handle it...i have to try...

but let's not digress....i wanna talk about myself. got back another midterm paper today. i barely was able to scrap average. not that it surprised me, but i felt gutted. first cause i know i could have done way better if i actually studied. second cause of the consequences of this foolish act of mine to flunk it. third is that of what it all means.

i'm in a precarious position. at the very least, i can get a bachelor's degree, and end up very low on the scholarship ladder when i go back to edb to work...i don't even know if my double major is in play, even though i stay happy when telling it to people around me.

more so that i do not know if i ever did deserve this scholarship. i'm not a scholar...i'm uncouth, unrefined, and non-intelligent. my only complement was being hardworking, and now even that's out the window. so i have nothing to prove that i deserve being a scholar.

second, cause if i can't my A for this class (i'm getting a B- going into the 50% final), my GPA will drop. that will mean my time here might be abruptly cut short. even more so is that i'm never going to get those shiny lights...(first class honors, recognition, personal satisfaction...)

third, this means i've lost it. i'm not hardworking anymore, and i can barely get through my classes. i've lost the drive to study and do well. "Doing Well" is just a phrase at the back of my head. I know this is forsaking the effort my parents have put in me, or even the misplaced respect my friends have for me...what do i have left??

but the big question is...DOES ANYONE REALLY UNDERSTAND ME???

i believe that people like talking to me. i like talking to people, even more so if i can help them with their problems. but, when i hear them complain about not getting their A+++, or having a slight hiccup in their essay grades (from a A+ to a A-)...what can i say? i grit my teeth and try to understand them, even though i am so far away from them, even dreaming of those grades leaves a bad taste in my mouth after. i guess i'm in the wrong crowd, one that's beyond my league. but they are my friends, even if i have to bear with such over-reaching achievements while i flounder, i will. they do not need to know that their friend here struggles everyday. they do not have as much a right to complain. they will not understand even if i did complain, cause to them it's just like hearing the story of someone they don't know...they "understand"...but do they UNDERSTAND??

i have to go back to real struggling, while my friends only think they're struggling...they just don't know how lucky they are....