Life on the Downside

Back for... Good?

2007-11-14T02:44:00.000-08:00

So its been a while.
1.25 years since I returned from the States.
1.25 years since I looked at this blog, and the same amount of time since I wrote anything.

Many reasons why I'm back.
1) Unsure what I'm doing with my life; probably a good opportunity to focus through writing.
2) Keeping people I don't contact in the loop on what's happening to me, in case they were interested.
3) Having somewhere to capture random thoughts.

So, after framing this...here goes.

Linkin Park was awesome. My first concert with them, and I already want more. The short set (90 min) was inadequate, but within that 90 min, it was heaven. Not literally of course. I sang myself hoarse...Will keep tabs on their tour dates, next
time they're in town, will definitely get mosh pit tix instead.

That brings my concert tally to: Kanye West, Keane, Mayday, Gwen Stefani, A-Mei, Linkin Park. Now I just need Maroon 5 and Jay Chou to round off my current music interests. Of course, a repeat of any would be nice too...

I suck at presentations. Partly because I don't prepare, but also I just plain suck. I talk to first, with minimal coherence, and don't work with the audience in mind.
How much worse can I get?

What do I do with my time? Salsa, KTV, Beach Volleyball, Computer Games and most importantly, Weiqi. Tops the cake. Work comes a poor non-contender in this, since it officially takes up 30% of my time. But that 30% totally drains me...How?

Hm...would like to give a shout-out to all my friends; to those I promised to meet up with but don't, to those I neve understood more about, to those who don't even remember who Desmond Li was...Hello!!!!

Memoirs of a....Ronin

2006-06-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

So its been a week since graduation, 9 days since the last day of school (ie. finals).

Writing from Chicago...family's all asleep, and i'm staying up so that i can watch Robot Chicken at 2.30am...which is like 11.30pm in SD...

Been in a whirlwind of activity during the last few weeks of school...been closing many of my unfinished business, and balancing school and friends at the same time.

Completed a Book Drive with Golden Key. Proud of myself for pulling it off with the help from my GK buddies. Decided to finish the run the weekend before finals after shuffling my feet for the whole school quarter, thanks to some down-to-earth advice from Diana H. Thank you! So basically, throughout the whole finals week (read: exams), i was spending my free time tabling and publicising out on Library Walk, talking to administrators, collecting and packing boxes of books. So at the end of the week, i finished three hard finals and one report, while collecting 21 boxes of books. The book drive was more successful than i thought. The books (or the money from books) will be sent to help educational institutions in Africa. Now, isn't that a good cause worth sacrificing exams for???

That being said, i did get back all my grades now. Last quarter in UCSD, and i finally made the mark; i got the 3.7 GPA that i have been working so hard for the last year to regain. Mind you, this wasn't an easy quarter, but i did it. Climbed up from the horrible depths to secure some semblance of respect for myself. This quarter was the most exhilarating, yet also the most frustrating of all the times i have been in UCSD. Took a totally foreign class in computer chemical modelling, and almost screwed that up royally. But some preseverance and BS-ing on my part got my through...I had perpetual cold sweats every night worrying about the simulations that did not work....

So graduation was wonderful, although pangs of jealousy of not being a top student did quell me down some. Was happy to see my fellow friends graduate with me, after the many years we have worked hard to get to this point. Congratulations to all!!!
Then it was worth on Amazing Race: Midwest. 7-day whirlwind tour of Illinois, Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin. Not exactly smooth sailing, but i hope my family had fun here. Then its back to San Diego for a final swansong before i say my goodbyes to America's Finest City (and i agree whole-heartedly!!!!).

But enough of that. I guess, this end to my UCSD chapter (until my MBA) was highlighted by the friendships i have made, messed up, re-secured and strengthed. I know it is unfair to name names, considering that i will forget a few and not list everyone down, but here i will attempt to do so, in no particular order:

Chew Kai Khen, Koh Fong Ming, Lawrence Ma, Wan Yue, Lin Xinyi, Xu Sangyu, Xue Shifeng, Tanya Ee, Adrian Lim, Chan Kok Lim, Kelvin Kee, Eric Wong, Lim Chin Yan, Jason Kwok, Wong Eetsin, Andrea Pillai-Dinneny, Lyon Liew, Tan Hui Min, Allen Ding, Joy Pang, Koh Tat Yang, James Chua, Dian Putrasahan, Edward Liaw, Grace Kang, Reeti Desai, Sue Ann Lee, Jonathan Lam, Cory Soeseno, Logan Goh...

Zhang Weiqi, Aida, Li Li, Ang Xinying, Stephanie Yeong, Lim Xinyi, Loh Jingyi, Carine Ng, Valerie Wan, Tan Keng Cheong, Liu Siliang, Liu Shanshan, Alanna Yeo, Dennis Ye, Jeryl Teoh, Adeline Yong, Mabel Lui, Cheung Lok Sze, Cynthia...

Sam Soloman, Karen Au, Lei Ju, Nancy Kwan, Sisiley Bao, Binh, Jennifer Chang, Diana Hung, Diana Combs, Charlie Chandsawangbhuwana, George Lin, Jacqueline Robichaud, Shelly Barnes, Kathy Pan, Chris Wright, Kevin Hsu, Chirag Vora, Diana Nguyen, James Hu, Angelina Altshuler, Jessica Hunt, Emily Ertola, Jessica Moore, Samuel Pitak, Andrew Lai (RIP), Raj Moudgil, Phi Le, Jun Ma, Tim Husson, Zack Cloyd, Daniel Luu, Nidta Viyakornvilas, Roas Liu, Vincent Lam, Jenny Hu, Nickey Lee, Pam Pranaiya Oulapathorn...

And this is by no means complete; its just some of the wonderful people i have met and become friends with in UCSD. and no, i didn't just get this off Facebook or Friendster or MSN. I'm not that cheap. these are the people who have affected me tremendously in my 4 years in UCSD and San Diego.

But if you happen to not find your name here, its not that i forgot you...its just that i do not find it fair to put your name there and consider you a friend, when i did not spend the time and effort to truly be a friend...

For those who do not know, this wandering will end soon. I start my new job in mid-July, and will be in Singapore for the next few years. i do wish to keep in contact with all of you, but if all else fails, you have my email (desmond.li.yan.hui@gmail.com) and my contact (+6593854806)...

So that's the sad part. 4 years. All over in the blink of an eye. Is it time for the prodigal son to return, or is it time for the wanderer to lay his hat?

Thoughts...

2006-05-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Am i too 乖 to be a party animal, and too crazy to be a scholar? Why do i straddle the line, not belonging to either?

i wish that i could have some mastery over the beautiful game. is it a failing to love sport, but not be even barely proficient in it?

Birthdays and Relationships

2006-03-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

so on my birthday, or rather the day before my birthday, my blog appeared with an entry that shouldn't have been there. disappeared in about 24 hours, but not before the damage was done.

it wasn't a ghost in the shell, or a hacker who decided that the entry was too depressing to appear on the internet. rather, WQ and I decided to remove it, to prevent further damage to our relationship.

but all this happened within 36 hours of my birthday (considering both singapore and san diego). the can of worms i had opened up with that blog entry opened the skeleton closet once again, and damage control is nearly futile, i'm afraid. Seems to me that my quarter-life crisis came just on time.

when the one you are with, says that maybe it is time for a break...what does it mean? does it mean it's over? or does it mean that she is dissatisfied with our relationship, and cracks have begun to show?

in navigating a relationship where there are only so few paths that a person can go through, avoiding the wrong words and actions, or even having the lack thereof of such, it is a journey that i am ill-equiped for, and i have no experience nor people to show me the way. what can i do?

so another skeleton was found, and WQ has shaken it off, and shown it to everyone. take a look at her blogspot if you want. my past relationships are now being held against me, like a record of my performance, or a history of violence that is revealed to convict a criminal. the record brought in as evidence is my xanga.

what can i say? i do injustice by comparing relationships, because each one was different. all had their extenuating circumstances, and all had their highs and lows. i can never compare these to each other, and i hope no one ever will.

Evangeline, Chu Hui, Karen, Aida. 4 ladies who have and do share their life with me, people who i have let into my life, for better or for worse. I have ill-treated all of you during our time together...my fumbling actions and awkward words a pale reflection of the person i was. to be caught up in the romantic euphoria is both blessing and curse...blinding because i ignore the realities and gravity of the relationship, blessing because I was able to be part of their life, no matter the gloom that i bring.

but in these relationships, i was the romantic fool. blind as i was, i was caught up in such imagery that i thought was real. and i was wrong. i do not think that their time with me was deserved, and really it wasn't. that's why i thought to do right by Weiqi this time.

do i need to use the same words to impress on you how much i like her? the years out in the rain, have hardened my heart to such words that i have now considered imaginary. i have fewer mis-conceptions of how things should be, and the first few to go were the expressions of love and eternity. No more romantic am i.

and maybe that is why Weiqi feels the way she feels when she read my xanga. i am not shirking the sins i have committed, if i am to atone for what i have said, let it be those 4 ladies to throw the whip. but to Weiqi, please do not think that my mere lack of words and actions of that faculty, show a more weakened relationship than in my past. it is unfortunate that i am now grounded in reality; love is a fool's errand, and i will not play the fool anymore. it has done me enough damage.

you are the light in my life. do my words and actions hide my true intent with you? i did vow not to "fall in love" again, and so i won't. but i have decided that it is you i want to spend my life with. if that isn't enough, then i don't know what else to say.

Aftermath

2006-02-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

So i feel stupid now. Rant done, anger vented, and i feel like an idiot for saying all that. Had no reason to actually say all that stuff, especially when i pointed the finger at myself and the friends. Well, i'm fine with pointing at myself, but had no rhyme or reason to target the friends who have done nothing wrong. if anything, it was because i don't say anything. not their fault.

New motto: "the innocents will not be harmed"

So i'll avoid being unreasonable about my comments. Life isn't as bad as i always make it look...but i realise i have to find a better and politically correct way of venting my anger at what is going on in my life.

honestly, my life has been better with the presence of WQ in my life. i feel less troubled, partly since i have someone i can let go with. so everyone is saved from the devastation that is desmond.

that being said, i apologise to all my friends, both near and far, close and acquainted. i do not express fairly to warrant me shooting my mouth by saying people don't care. i was frustrated that on such a day, it is not so special.

maybe i should be less hypocritical...if i don't like such a day, then i should not wish for that day to be the same for me, as it does with other people.

talking to adeline was refreshing. always good to bounce my thoughts off others, so i can better grasp the situation again. must think about doing that more often.

so i'm back to normal now. now funny-business desmond for a while....if anything, a silent acknowledgement would be nice...

peace

Valentine's? Friendship? what does it mean?

2006-02-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

Never like a designated day to emphasize certain aspects of life. Today's Valentine's Day, or Friendship Day, take your pick. Chances are, many couples will take the opportunity to express their love for one another. You have the whole array of stuff, flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, romantic _____ (fill it in with activity of choice). Hard to say whether these things are also done outside of Valentine's Day. I would presume so, since relationships don't only wait once a year to celebrate love....there's the Birthdays, Anniversaries, and whatever special day you can think of. Of course, you can be a skeptic and just say that we should celebrate love every day of the year. Why wait for a commercial holiday like this? I'm not saying Valentine's Day is totally commercial. There are people (and I am not one of them), who believe in the true meaning of Valentine's...A brief search in Google had St. Valentine as a priest who conducted marriages for soldiers against imperial decree. He got jailed and killed for that. "From your Valentine" might have come from him sending his love to a love he had at that time too. That was about it. Some pope decreed it February 14th. And the commercial enterprises have had perpetual field days from that time onward.

Now for friendship day. Friendship day is August 7th. Why anyone would consider today friendship day is beyond me. Technically speaking, Friendship Month is February. So somebody thought it cool that "if you don't celebrate Valentine's, then why not Friendship? it's the whole month anyway. Nobody would know if it's not the right day AND month". Now can all of you stop that whole Friendship Day thing? It's the WHOLE MONTH of FEBRUARY!!!!!! Me thinks some poor sod wanted to console him/herself, and spread the word that February 14th is Friendship Day too. Or the corporates did it. So people can go around feeling good themselves.

I sound disgruntled, don't I? For one, I am not supposed to complain, since I have a girlfriend. I love her, and i hope she loves me. Did I get her anything for V-day? Nope. I did get her flowers the weekend before though. Hope she's happy with them. So why do i sound like i hate this day?

To tell the truth, I don't. 3 years isn't long, but it was enough to make me dis-illusioned to such things like relationships, friendships and all that jazz. How many friends do i have? not many i would think. Most of them won't give a rat's ass about me (or some other animal's behind), but then, that's not what i'm worried about. Maybe i sound like i'm seeking attention. Not sure if i really am though....

Ok, so i feel pissed the whole day. Partly because i realise its a day when people show how popular they are. Girls get flowers and gifts from friends, lovers, strangers....Guys get other guy friends to go chill out, have a good meal, watch some tellie with. What do i get? I get ignored.

Nothing. I'm alone on this side of the world, and nobody gives a shit. Maybe it is true that to have friends, you have to make them yourself. Guess i realise i'm not one whom people will approach wholeheartedly, and not under threat of death and all that.

So i feel stupid, angry and totally irritated. With myself, and all those i thought were my friends. Maybe i should have believed in this Friendship crap, and given flowers out to girls and be busking in the thought of them appreciating my gifts.

NOT!

have to admit an ugly bugger like me is probably very least appreciated in their circle of friends. i should be contented that they don't outright hate me huh. that should be the level of friendship i hope to keep.

Amen.

Happy Lunar New Year - trivial stuff...

2006-01-29T15:47:00.000-08:00

So yeah, Dog Horoscope year, lunar 4704 (i think)...

be sure to be more politically correct this year....its Lunar New Year, instead of Chinese New Year....only fair to the vietnamese, burmese, korean, japanese and i'm not sure else who follow the same calendar....

back to school....

New Year 2006

2005-12-30T08:17:00.000-08:00

Hm...it's been a while... I'm not really in the habit of writing about myself anymore, and somehow i have more interesting things to do than write blogs...like sleeping, the occasional GTA:SA, but mostly i've been stuck in my embryo lab studying...and doing my lab.... but as it nears the end of 2005, i feel its time to clean the closet, shake out the skeletons, and put in some new ones...

so year 2005 in review...and what i want to do for 2006

Academic: after the boost by EDB in allowing me to continue my studies, i floundered during my summer classes, good thing they were only two classes. came back strong in Fall 2005, and so ended this year with a slightly improved GPA. nowhere near my goal of 3.7, but i believe i'm getting there. i have two more quarters to improve, and i do hope i do in 2006. new year, more resolve....

Work: with graduation, the next step is EDB. i guess i've lived those 4 years with a certain amount of satisfaction, tempered with several huge mistakes along the way. now that i leave the relative comfort of school, it is time to play the game. i can not afford to make the same mistakes i make, if i intend to achieve status within those 6 years. but i do not want to be a workaholic. neither do i want to be a ****sucker too. principles are integral, but i have to play the game, or lose. i do hope i become more conscientious of my work and my surroundings, and be able to take the load in my stride. that's all i have to do....

Family: 2005 had been a rather torrid year for my family and relatives. one uncle passed away, and another is suffering at a critical stage in cancer. i feel helpless that i was not there, and i could not be of help. but it is also consoling that my aunts and uncles have come closer because of such tribulations. i hope everyone pulls through and stay strong.

Girl: now i would like to declare for all to hear, that Weiqi and i are together. no matter that you do not know her, or you have not met her, i would like to think that i will introduce her to all of you some time or another...prob next year when i'm home. i don't dare to speculate or look too far ahead into the future, partly because we've only been together for a short while, and it will be foolish to assume everything will be perfect. but its not too hard to aspire to, i think. i entrust this to my friends: i will not treat this relationship like how i messed up my previous relationships....this is my sorry for 2006.

Friends: i do apologise to all my friends that i have not kept in touch as much as i wanted....especially to those i consider my closest friends...i guess its so easy to neglect one factor of my life, when other factors seem to grow in importance...but i can not live without my friends, and so i must strive to achieve that balance...i have realised that i have different groups of friends that i do different activities with. is that good or bad?? i accept that my friends don't all share the same interests and personalities....but having so many groups for the many activities we share, is quite tedious....honestly!!

somehow i have a mental block now....generally cause of 5 hours of sentosa, sun and volleyball...
but i guess if i have to sum up my new year's resolutions...its to achieve my dream GPA of 3.7, love my family and girlfriend more...and be there and learn more about my friends...esp if u're my 死党, my close friends, or even mere acquaintances...

adios 2005, greetings to 2006....may everyone's lives be just a little bit better....

Random Thoughts Pt 1

2005-09-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

So i thought i should write something here, especially when someone has asked me why i haven't written anything in a while...I know the title is similar to Fong Ming's own domain (with a slight deviation), but i was thinking an update and some random thoughts would be good to show what's going through my mind right now...

Actually this is version II. had written the original entry this morning, but good ole' me didn't save a draft before doing my funny business. So i end up having to write another entry, hopefully in the same vein, albeit different in feeling and word.

I'm watching 如来神掌 while writing this. Not sure how that'll affect my writing, but i want to finish the series anyway, and besides, i think i can understand enough chinese to listen to it in the background as i write.

Life has been more or less mundane, especially now that summer's gone, and i'm embarking on my final year in school. Its with mixed feelings that i started Fall 2005. EDB has granted me permission to continue and complete my double major, of course still under probation based on my grades. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

My summer ended with nary a glitch, unless you consider how badly i did academically for my AIDS class. But i love the class, mainly because it has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know i might sound naive and ignorant as i say these words, but bear with me. Tanya asked me before about what i have learnt in my time here, and i have to admit, i've realised that there is more injustice in the world than is clear to most people. Yeah, i've known of it for a long time, but to have it put into a clear picture and vocalized into a concrete issue, makes it harder to ignore what is going on in the world today.

My version I involved a very elaborate rant about the injustices of the world, but i think this version will be a lot mellow. For the AIDS class, we had a required reading in the rather liberal book "And the Band Played On" by Randy Shilts. This book chronicled the early years of the AIDS crisis, focusing on the effects in America. This might have provided a big picture of what was happening in terms of AIDS efforts in the States, but in terms of how large this crisis in the world, there was a lot left unsaid. There was a passage that illustrated how bad things are, and summed up how the stupidest people are in charge, how the people who did not care disrupted the efforts of others, and the people who could have made a difference? Powerless because of the people in charge, the people around them, and the constraints of society, who believes in its own comfort and ignorance. The person who coined the term "Ignorance is Bliss" must have had a real-life example to draw from. To my mind, the media and the governments (anywhere in the world) are the most obvious culprits; but it is the people, including me, who are guilty of perpetuating the illusion of ignorance and comfort. The saddes thing is that people only realise the severity of the problem when its too late, and by that time, it becomes too little, too late. Is the world so reactive in that way? Can people be more pro-active instead? But before i advocate such thoughts, i have to prove myself as an example first. Awareness and Service are my first steps. I enjoin all who read my entry to embark on this ideal too.

But here's the passage i've been introducing for so long...
"Later, everybody agreed the baths should have been closed sooner; they agreed health education should have been more direct and more timely. And everybody also agreed blood banks should have tested blood sonner, and that a search for the AIDS virus should have been started sooner, and that scientists should have laid aside their petty intrigues. Everybody subsequently agreed that the news media should have offered better coverage of the epidemic much earlier, and that the federal government should have done much, much more. By the time everyone agreed to all this, however, it was too late. Instead, people died. Tens of thousands of them."
pg 491, And the Band played on, by Randy Shilts 1987.

Makes you grit your teeth and say "how can people be this stupid?!" right? I may have known about all this from the start and watched the world go by with all its ills and injustice, but to live not in ignorance but in in-activity is sad.

Let's hope more people awaken to the various problems in the world...

PS. I do apologise that this entry sounds like a really terrible rant...bear with me...

reconsidering what my life is....

2005-08-23T01:53:00.000-07:00

i've read that when people start to re-consider what their life is, what their life means, and what they should do about their life, it is indicative of a __-life crisis (quarter, mid, end). its a re-evaluation of priorities, and also time for improvements too.

over this summer (which is over in 4 weeks), i've seen and learnt a lot...there are many people around me who are confident, partly due to them knowing what they want to do in life, and they're in charge of their life...and it is my honour to know them, and learn from them too.

James has opened my eyes to how investment in shares (if played properly) can help in your finances; i'm considering setting aside a proportion of my future salary in investments, which if played well, can provide some form of financial security, or at least make life a little more comfortable. Adrian has provided some good advice on that too. It IS better than stuffing that same money into a savings or CD/FD and waiting for the meagre interest to generate $1 per year. So there, one goal for the future.

Even so, i fully intend to leave some money in a savings account, primarily for my kids, and also for my emergency funds. The idea of an off-shore account (as from certain role-models) might be an option that although illegal, will ensure that i have more control over my money than the government will have. It's not that i have anything against the SG government (ok, i kinda do), but i believe to learn, i have to have some independence eh....

are property and cars form of investments too? or even country club memberships? it is a consideration that i will make when i can afford such luxuries...cause that is what they are: luxuries...

lately, i've been feeling detached...i realise that i had wasted my childhood...not that it was bad, but i've missed out on a lot of things...what are the joys of childhood? remembering the toys, the games, the cool cartoon shows? or the times spent at the playground, playing with others? somehow, i don't remember most of it, like i don't remember most of the things that have happened in my life. Is it because they weren't important? or because i'm fated to not remember them well? the various stages in my life are a blur...the details are not there anymore...reminiscing with friends is more of them reminding me things that we've done together, rather than me sharing my memories with them...

what have i done with myself? why is this so pathetic? will i ever remember the important things in my life when i'm on my deathbed? or will i only remember the present? shit!

i received some thoughts from my friend Adrian a few days back....something that struck me as possibly true...i've become more sensible over the 3 years i've been here. do u think its true? i've been kinda rash and stupid in many decisions over these years, be it money, friends, paths in life, etc etc...but i'm kinda glad that i have settled down a little. there are things that only one can do, and i've realised some of those limitations. i hope this bodes well for my future...

last weekend i had a leadership conference in LA. met a lot of people from various GoldenKey chapters from the US, and from Africa, Australia, Canada and Malaysia. It is amazing that there are so many brilliant people gathered in one place. I'm not only talking about academic brilliance (that was aplenty), but of social and community brilliance. i was inspired to say the least. but when the euphoria dies out....will i still be able to say the same?

during one of the many seminars i attended over the 4 day weekend, there was one where we set realistic goals for ourselves. guess what? my goal was to learn more about SG politics. i've complained a lot about the government, but i find that sometimes my thoughts are just biases that i must eliminate. Objectivity and knowledge of the environment (political) will allow me to understand better. Are we in a position to change? Can people like me change SG for the better? I guess i have inherited some of the unreasonable disgrunted-ness of the older generation against the ruling party and people. That WILL have to change.

guess there's a lot for me to do...and i do have to do this to improve. to those watchers of mine out there...i think i will need your help in ensuring i stay on the right path. thanks...

Summer days just sitting around, but when the sun goes down...

2005-06-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Hm...Summer is streaming along fine, and in a few days, i'll be starting summer school. over these last two empty weeks, i have been lounging around, going out occasionally with friends, seeing some friends off *sob*. furthermore i'm supposed to move to my new place tmrw, and yet half my stuff is still lying around my room...

yet i feel like writing something...more like i wanted to chronicle a story i read. From Neli Humphreys' "Scribbles from the Same Island"...

"Now, this may sound cold and heartless, but when you live aboard, a certain detachment inevitably results...the sense of loss can never be the same because they are names spoken over the telephone" ("The Family", pg 195).

He's talking about relatives who have passed away, and he has lived in Singapore for over 7 years. Yet I, who have lived 3 years here in San Diego, feel the same, whether it is for relatives or close friends. I'm not justifying my poor filial behavior to my family, nor my poor loyalty to my friends, poor it is a sad fact that rung a bell with me.

I have seen many people come and go within this 3 years...graduations, exchange programs...all constitute a part of my life here, and if i could help it, i would like to keep every single memory, whether good or bad. I do admit that i've done quite a few bad things in my time, and even though i might not have reformed totally, i'm more aware of my actions now...or at least, i hope so.

But being here, and then leaving in about a year for home, makes me think that i have not done the best, nor done the most of what i wanted. there are still places to go, people to meet, things to see, activities to do...

this final year (from this summer) will be my last, and hopefully most fulfilling year. i make myself that promise. hope some of you will help me materialise that promise too, whether it is people i know, or people i have yet to meet...

Graduation Thoughts...

2005-06-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend was graduation day(s) for UCSD...individual colleges had their own commencement ceremonies to "honor" the students who have slogged through 3 (or 4 or more) years of UCSD...

I was able to go to 2 graduations: Sixth College and Warren College. Sorry Jason, I missed your ERC graduation, but I was able to congratulate you over lunch, so I feel better about that. But yeah, Tat graduated from Sixth and Hui Min from Warren. These were two friends who I've known since freshman year (we came in together), and although we've had a lot of differences, I'm glad everything worked out in a way, and I was happy to see them graduate and move on.

Watching the graduations seemed to spring a lot of thoughts in me...the fact that these two came with me, and yet I did not graduate with them, makes me sad...What am I doing here?...will that extra year mean anything?? everyone I know when I came here has graduated or are graduating (graduates)...even though there are new people here over the last 2 years, the bond is different. The environment has changed, and I feel like one of the old dinosuars...not fitting in the new age...but old dogs can learn new tricks right? But only if the people around him allow him to...

But the graduation has got me thinking about my own graduation next year. Who will see me walk? Who willl bother that I graduate? Will they be happy i'm out of their hair? Or will they not even bother about me gone at all? I guess I realise now that I have not left a mark here. Nothing that will indicate I was here. I know in a way that's wanting for "name", but I realise fame isn't something I'm cut out for. Will my name be part of the honors list?

At this point, my grades aren't enough to indicate me in the upper echelons...I'm an average student, in the swarm of students...even though I'm Singaporean..yet I do not have that famed "power" that Singaporeans wield over others academically...does this mean I'm a failure? or have I failed myself? I think I have...But I have one more year...maybe I can still show I'm good enough to stand up and be considered as somebody....

Which brings me to SMSC...the bane and blessed existence of my life in UCSD...I don't really want to talk about it now, but I believe next school year will be the last chance...to make or break it...if I do not do something to establish it, there will not be a chance till the next "Lyon" or "Desmond" comes along...

Yeah...I don't want to leave on a gloomy note, so let me tell you about Mr and Mrs Smith, starring Brad Pitt and the fabulous Angelina Jolie. The first real movie I've watched in the year, and I felt it was good. Fun, and good chemistry too. The fact that she acted is even better. Go watch it...and watch out for Batman Begins too!!

Does anyone actually understand me?

2005-05-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time. Very long time in fact. The last time i blogged was in MSN MySpace. I do have to find some way of tying all of this (Blogspot, Xanga, MySpace) together. *to the empty audience* Anyone have any ideas about doing that?

So I've been dealing with school...and life...never a comfortable balance..but i'm getting somewhere. I've been interested in someone...she's beautiful...and I do want to do this right for once...

it's sad to have such apprehension in a relationship. Considering that she'll be leaving after exchange, and the subsequent 1.5 years before i can see her again...alarm bells are ringing, but i think i can handle it...i have to try...

but let's not digress....i wanna talk about myself. got back another midterm paper today. i barely was able to scrap average. not that it surprised me, but i felt gutted. first cause i know i could have done way better if i actually studied. second cause of the consequences of this foolish act of mine to flunk it. third is that of what it all means.

i'm in a precarious position. at the very least, i can get a bachelor's degree, and end up very low on the scholarship ladder when i go back to edb to work...i don't even know if my double major is in play, even though i stay happy when telling it to people around me.

more so that i do not know if i ever did deserve this scholarship. i'm not a scholar...i'm uncouth, unrefined, and non-intelligent. my only complement was being hardworking, and now even that's out the window. so i have nothing to prove that i deserve being a scholar.

second, cause if i can't my A for this class (i'm getting a B- going into the 50% final), my GPA will drop. that will mean my time here might be abruptly cut short. even more so is that i'm never going to get those shiny lights...(first class honors, recognition, personal satisfaction...)

third, this means i've lost it. i'm not hardworking anymore, and i can barely get through my classes. i've lost the drive to study and do well. "Doing Well" is just a phrase at the back of my head. I know this is forsaking the effort my parents have put in me, or even the misplaced respect my friends have for me...what do i have left??

but the big question is...DOES ANYONE REALLY UNDERSTAND ME???

i believe that people like talking to me. i like talking to people, even more so if i can help them with their problems. but, when i hear them complain about not getting their A+++, or having a slight hiccup in their essay grades (from a A+ to a A-)...what can i say? i grit my teeth and try to understand them, even though i am so far away from them, even dreaming of those grades leaves a bad taste in my mouth after. i guess i'm in the wrong crowd, one that's beyond my league. but they are my friends, even if i have to bear with such over-reaching achievements while i flounder, i will. they do not need to know that their friend here struggles everyday. they do not have as much a right to complain. they will not understand even if i did complain, cause to them it's just like hearing the story of someone they don't know...they "understand"...but do they UNDERSTAND??

i have to go back to real struggling, while my friends only think they're struggling...they just don't know how lucky they are....

Conundrum: Birthday resolutions pt 1

2005-02-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda bored right now...which gives me good reason to churn out something literary, even though i'm supposed to be doing homework and studying...and getting good enough grades, and...

you get the picture...seems like my life now is mostly driven by the never-ending need to study, mostly for the sake of EDB, and very rarely, myself. Never mind that i took this scholarship to provide for myself the opportunity to leave Singapore, and escape the stress inherent in a SG lifestyle. Coming here, besides the tingling worry at the back of my heard every time exams are due, i never actually felt the pressure of having to answer to anyone except myself...until recently...

you see, EDB sent my parents, my guarantors (which happen to be my cousins) and myself, a letter asking for an explanation as to my "consistently falling grades". I admit, i haven't been the best of students, but this was a slap in the face. Classes have not gotten easier, and i have not gotten better, which explains the resultant decrease. No more am i the star pupil, who could ace exams with just hard work and determination. Here it seems, i lack both, to very devastating results.

i've tried to pick myself from the ashes, and start afresh, but this also means sacrificing whatever leisure i do have right now (which isn't much). and yet, i can't bear to let go. I'm always hoping the new day brings back the old me. And that does not happen. Do i really need another slap in the face? or do i need a guiding hand?

with such contemplation, i look back on my years here in San Diego. i can't really say that life was fantastic, but i'm sure it would have been a lot better had i made the right choices. Lifestyle, activities, relationships, friendships, study, work...there are at least many decisions i would have wanted to re-make.

lifestyle: away from the stress of SG, it was so much easier to relax here. the laid-back attitude permeated my studying, which explains why i'm flailing so badly...i got into anime, comics, console games, movies...rather than reading, piano, sports....no "food for the soul" as they say...
but i think i'm trying to fix that...it's still comics, anime and the occasional video-game, but together with that is more physical training (gym, swimming) and hopefully, to get a good book in...but somehow, i need more than 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to be able to do all that on a regular basis...not counting the perpetual school work i have...

A New Beginning? or more of the Old?

2005-02-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

hm...i initially signed up for this blog cause i wanted to comment on my bud's site, but i decided not to comment, but i'm stuck with this blog...

this site's sister is Xanga @ http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DesmondLi ...

i'm still unsure what this will be about, but i'm sure i'll think of something as time goes by...i just don't want it to be a twin to his sister...there's too much pain and melancholy in that child to pass on, and i want to avoid that...

she will only show a small link to this site, so to ensure only the most adamant of readers will ever see this...which i do hope are my good friends...or those who think they are...

so here's my first declaration...my heart is empty again...

i've kinda gotten over the fact that there is no possibility of me and her getting together; she treats me as a friend (albeit a screwed up one) and i should do the same...there should be no reason for me to ever feel jealous about the guys who hang around her too...i believe they are better friends who do take care of her...and i should just strive to be a friend, per se.

but i believe i will always spare a special thought for her...until she chases me away..haha...

so now my mind is on school...and my fight to stay in school...i'll pick up on the details when i next drop by...